Difficult Decisions

So in light of recent events Ive had to think about a lot of things. I may be over reacting or even be completely wrong about the whole thing, I do not want to rush to judgment or make assumptions because of whats at stake. So I used to be best friends with this person until I started finding out that he, as well as several other close friends, had essentially started to avoid me. I don't know why, it all started after he decided to join the national guard and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. ever since then he has made less of an attempt to contact me for anything, as well he doesn't make much of an effort to answer my calls or return them. To make things even more frustrating the group of friends we all hung out with also do not answer when I try to call. The confusing part is they are still friendly and appear to be interested in what I have to say, and give me somewhat helpful advice. The getting married without bothering to tell the guy who thought you were best friends with, as well as having a baby and telling me im not allowed to see it because the hospital wont allow it...is kinda sounding like bullshit the more I go over it...Looking back I dont really see it being so much worth it anymore. We had fun in high school and times have changed. If they want to keep disrespecting me, then they are going to lose a good trustworthy friend...Im making arangments to meet new people, until now I wasnt sure how, but I believe I've found a way....I will be happy

Is it too late?

I am afraid that its been to long since my last relationship. I don't know how to meet new people, not here, not anywhere. I don't have any friends that can help me. The only people that give suggestions are those who say f#%$ a prostitute... it'll make you feel better...I dont see how having sex with a disease infested woman who cant keep her legs closed is going to help me. I want a girl I can call mine, someone to hold....it doesnt matter what I try, nothing ever works...I feel like im getting closer to a girl and she always f$%^ing gets pulled away somehow....I see ugly people, fat people, mean people, really wierd people, really anoying people, dickheads, retards, and all my friends...they all have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and probably children...everyone keeps telling me shes out there somewhere, that ill find a girl someday, that gods saving the perfect girl for me, she'll come when I least expect it....ive waited for seven fucking years, im tired of waiting and looking at all these fucking people with their luvy duvy bullshit....fuck everything because I dont care anymore...Ive been good my entire fucking life and I dont get anything from it...Im not happy anymore, I hate everything, I dont know if ill ever find happiness anymore....everyday, everything I see, I just run it through my head how much it pisses me off, I cant see the good in life anymore and here winter comes to just shove the fucking knife in a little further, and with the holiday season topping it off with the worst holiday of the year valentines day.......I need to go to bed

So much to learn, feeling of no time to learn it....

So I have all of these books that I have attained over the last year or so, that I want to pull all of the information from and place so neatly into my head for future use. These books range on many topics covering things from flight training (near the top of my list) to magic tricks, psychology, and many other interesting things. I found that I don't have a lot of time to read them while I'm in a state of mind to efficiently absorb the information within the books. I notice if I try to read them at an "off time" my mind wanders and I find myself reading the same few sentences over and over without even remembering anything I just read. The only time that I seem to be really good at it is about 1 to 2 hours before I need to go to bed. After that time I start to get tired and again I keep reading, yet nothing sinks in....I blame television, for its numerous commercials with their sometimes awfully retarded display of they're marketing departments understanding of sales techniques. Each one designed to "amaze" and "strike awl" in us...Truly, it rather pisses me off more than give me that unsettling chill of really wanting anything that I've seen on television for a long time. I saw a commercial today of a stack of bills with fake eyes glued to the top selling car insurance. It made me want to cave my head in with the corner of the coffee table more than wanting to spend the unjust $900+ every 6 months for car insurance that our government was so nice to make a legal requirement for all car owners. If your going to make it a law that we must pay, probably to fix your f$#%-ups, at least put some kind of cap on it...Ive never had a wreck and its a used car. WTF? now that im off topic and getting a bit angry, I see its my bed time...

At work bloggin...

I am really tired today, for some reason. Just me and the boss today, everyone else took the day off. I've been trying to decide what sort of fireworks I'm gonna get this year. Every year seems to yield a bigger show and this year I'm bringing in some class B. That's right, I get to set off disney world quality fireworks this year. I only hope me bum friends will finaly show up this year. This stuff isn't cheap by any means and its very frustrating not having an audience for my performance. Its gonna be beautiful this year, and with class B display shells you won't just see the stars, you'll feel the kick from the whistling salute finally cake! I love fireworks. :]  

-Jake-

Imagination

What is an imaginary place? I find it is sometimes difficult to explain the tremendous amount of information that collects in my mind. I can be sitting on a green stool at work in the middle of the afternoon, in a yellow room, when not a word has been said for no less than an hour and suddenly start to laugh at something I'm thinking about. I sit and in my boredom and distaste of my inability to talk to my co-worker/friend without finding myself with more responsibilities or duties, complements of "Friends" who have decided to fend for themselves (to cover their own ass I suppose). So I imagine things in response to keep my mind occupied. I recently have been visiting this place, a few times so far, each time getting more and more detailed and more easily perceived. This place is always dark at first. I am sitting on something like a park bench or a comfy camping chair(I haven't decided) but it is wide enough for two people, me and a girl. This girl is no one specific, which is hard to imagine, I don't have a girl friend or even a close friend that is a girl really, so I am trying to Keep the details of her face soft and unfocused to prevent any sort of an attachment...as I sit here with my arm around her, we are on the top of a building, about 4 or 5 stories high, higher than all the rest. I look out and up and feel a slight breeze, and see the moon, and the stars are everywhere. Each time I come to this place the billions of stars get brighter as well as the moon, but you never see anything around except the edges of the rooftop, to my right is my girl and I am sitting in my comfy chair with her. I haven't a care in the world in this place. its just me and her... Sadly, I have never been in love. I like to imagine what it is like, but of coarse I have no idea or any basis. but who does, few people have experienced true love. someday, some girl will give me a chance...I just hope I haven't waited to long...

-Jake-

Tuesday

Well today wasn't to bad, got most of me work done, get part of tomorrow off, and I'm currently listening to a nice kind of easy listening 'blogging song' as it were... The song is Black Wave by The Shins...I decided to give this Last.fm thing a try and so far its pretty cool. Basically what you do is type in an artist name (someone you like) and this place comes up with a selection of songs that sound simalar to songs that band sings..kinda like a "you like that?.?. well try this!!" sort of deal, only thing is you have to pay for certain parts of it, not sure which yet. Its only like $3.00 a month but im a bit cheap with online transactions...Moving on...I stoped to grab something to eat yesturday and a good friend was there workin. She is a pretty cute girl, not but a couple years younger than me, and has a unique and interesting personallity. I have come across the idea of askin her to hang out with me sometime, I can think of a few things to do. The thing is ive been a bit out of thouch with my charming side for quite some time. If you have read some of me previous post you may have noticed how frustrated I have been...I just dont want to screw it up again. I sure as hell am not going to ask anyone out over a network based connection again, that seems to be a really bad idea...Anyway luck be with me....

Go old times

Today I got to spend time with my friends like we used to in high school. Me, Travis, Greg, Renae, and Kailee all drove to Evansville to eat and look around. Of coarse being a Sunday there's not much to do, but we still had an interesting evening. Ate at Olive Garden, discussed relationship stuff (like always)...it would really be nice to have someone for me to share stuff like this with. I supose being single has its advantages, but one can only stand to be alone for so long before one gets too used to being by ones self...On an off note, I recently finished my very long over due project of building a spedometer for my VW Bettle. I built it using an arduino, lcd, and a reed switch assembly for a bicycle. It worked rather well for a sort of weekend project, it is accurate to about 4 miles an hour. In order to increse the accuracy I will have to add more magnets and change the math equation a bit, but I have to work once again so it may be awhile before testing again...I do plan on posting the project as well as some sample code in the future, once everything is fine tuned....

Pretty decent couple of days

In light of the new book I've been reading, Tricks of the mind, I decided to try a few of the technics presented in the book by one of my favorate entertainers Derren Brown. He shows you how to greatly improve your memory, change the way you look at things, and give you an idea of what it means to be confident and such. He also has many other stories and very intersting reading to enjoy. So far the things I've tried have worked fairly well for me. I haven't had the time to really focus on the "technics", but in time I will see their potential.  

Some at work blogging...
-Jake-

Good day

Today was a good day. It was warm enough. I ate outside in the sun. I drove the bug, people looked at me and smiled. I talked to my friend travis. Haley was at work today she was happy and smiley. Boss still bein craby, I heard a joke about a hand held banana and a blue and brown bowl...

Friday The Thirteenth...

One of the most superstitious of days out of the year. So apparently "Friday the 13th" is the rare day that everything goes wrong or bad things happen. I didn't have much of a bad day really, although I did notice a few things that were a bit odd. Like on my way to work I counted about 15 dead animals spread out like "pancakes" all over the highway. birds, squires, chipmunks, groundhogs, a deer....monkey, giraffe, and a homeless man...OK not the last few but a wide variety of critters spread out over about a 12 mile stretch, pretty creepy. other than that it was a pretty nice day, not many clouds, warming up outside, and not very many ignorant or irrational customers came into the shop. as for my last post I have "recovered" so to speak, a very good friend and I had a talk and I felt better after that....I guess everyone has s#itty spells every once in a while, when life starts getting stressful and overwhelming, you just need to talk to someone to get it out there and off your metaphorical chest, and encourage you to Think good things....It is quite difficult to talk to people when I feel that way, I feel much better when I do speak my mind though.(respectfully of course) :]

Cabin Fever?

So its been getting pretty crappy for me over the last few days, my friends won't hang out with me anymore nor make any sort of attempt to contact me. I sit at my job starring at my computer screen thinking about how I could somehow meet a decent girl in this $#itty town, everyday I see couples and hear this depressing bull on the radio, all love songs and relationship stuff, tv always has couples on every channel, the internet has ads about it, my computer has popups every time I boot it with at least 1 picture and 1 story about some relationship, I'm really getting f#cking tired of it. My job pisses me off at some point everyday, being single and alone for the last 6 years is making me sick I've never kissed a girl in my life and I'm 19! last time I had a girlfriend I was in the 7th grade. I hate stupid drivers, the weather, and never having time to do anything. I am financially stable, in good health, and in good living conditions, but I have no one to love or hug or share anything with. I feel isolated, alone, and cheated. I have been nice to everyone my whole life and have little to nothing to show for it. What am I supposed to do? if I dont find Someone soon, I think im gonna have a nervous breakdown...human beings must have some form of deep or trustworthy interaction with others, I have trouble trusting people anymore, its starting to really bug me when I see couples......I dont know........

Here I am again

Been a while since me last post thought id write one, since I cant seem to will myself to sleep...So after a couple months of miserably cold weather it finally decided to snow and leave some on the ground. I kinda noticed the difference between kids and adults is the willingness to stand to be in very cold weather, with numb hands and feet, to "play" in this stuff. I remember praying for it to snow (mostly so I wouldn't have to go to school) when I was younger and playing in it all afternoon, but I dont seem to want to do that so much anymore. With the stress of work and life and so on I just feel too tired....however just after it got dark I was a bit thirsty, and decided to head down to the garage to get me a beverage, I got me comfy jacket, gloves, and some shoes on and headed outside. On the way back from me garage I remembered a part of why I used to love snow...I stood there on the dark side of the garage looking across the wide open field out over the lake, lit up by the moon, and it wasn't but a little bit windy. I can see all of this snow falling,in contrast to darkness, and no matter how hard its falling its always really quite. like everything is moving but I have stopped, everything is coated in a white blanket and it feels like im in some other world, like nothing really matters, like the world is standing still in some way, for me to just look around for a few minutes...I guess that's what it feels like to be a kid. When life just stands still for a few minutes and gives you time to look at the things you see everyday but don't think much about till now.

What clothes can do for you!?!?

so I'm feeling much better today, I decided to wear my dress clothes to work today, I figured it would do me a favor along the lines of my confidence....and it certainly helped....not as much as I had hoped but it did help. One thing I noticed is how many people actually know me, and consider me a friend. I usually don't dress real nice, just some cargo pants and a comfy shirt...but when I got all spiffied up in me dress clothes everyone had a much more desirable reaction to my being there. When I went to lunch today, I went to the grocery store first(were I used to work) and I saw my friend Travis...when he finally realised who I was, he acted like seeing me all fancied up made his day, he wanted to go to lunch with me, said I was really cheerin him up(I don't think hes gay), a few of the other people I worked with also said I looked pretty good....After I left there I headed to subway to get a sandwich and a couple cookies...and even the workers there commented on me being all dressed up....I don't really know any of them, I just eat there every once in a while, but they still noticed....while at work I made a $340 sale with little effort, something that is very difficult to do at this particular job, but the customer did seem to trust me more than they did when I was in my regular "work t-shirt" uniform....I wore the clothes I wore today knowing that all the other times I had worn them, I was in a high confidence state, I went to Indianapolis, IN and Manhattan, New York for being in the top 5 out of many who took various computer related tests...I was treated like the president of a big company while I was on those trips. I stayed in a very nice hotel went to the top of the tallest building in New York, met some cool people who treated me with respect....it was a good feeling that I had anchored to those clothes....I wonder what else I can anchor that feeling too?

BLUE REFLECTORS?

I finally found the pattern, cracked the code....so to speak.....too all of you who have always wondered what the blue reflectors in the middle of the highway mean.....its not a curve or or a turnoff marker or a sign marker, or some way of letting the guy who set them know that he ran out of yellow ones.......it is an easy way for a firetruck driver to find a "Fire Hydrant"......the blue markers mark the aprox. location of a fire hydrant, usually on either side of the road within about 15 feet of that spot.....took me a few days to figure all that out....so know that your minds are at ease you can sit back and watch your friends rack their brains over it...just before you tell them....if you wish to tell them that is.....

Girls are so mean

Why must this girl stay so deep in my mind.... I made the mistake of assuming a girl would like me just because I put so much of my focus towards her...worked so hard to change the way things had always been with me, I have set my mind up in such a way that if she had decided to be with me or hang out with me even once I could have swept her off her feet.... I was always timid and shy and afraid to speak to girls for fear of rejection among other things, but this girl I have always liked, and in some odd way we ended up talking to each other over the Internet, after having not seen each other in almost five months....we talked about many various things, and interestingly she had so much in common with me that I was very interested in her...I felt that she was the one, the reason I had been single for so long and ended up talking to this girl again.... she had finally broke up with her questionable boyfriend...I felt things were falling into place, that it was meant to be....I had so much confidence all of a sudden, I had many different but good feelings...nothing botherd me...I loved life..............but...........once I finally asked her out.........everything changed, and quick......she canceled the date we were supposed to go on just a few hours before......I went to the fair were she went instead and she seemingly ignored me as I tried to talk to her.....she didn't talk to me very much anymore if at all.....I had made her a birthday present just for her, picked out the perfect card and wrapped it the best I could....but had no way of giving it to her....she would not let me arrange any easy way of giving it to her, I didn't know where she lived, her phone number, or when she worked.....I did what I could to let her know that she could trust me, unlike her shithead boyfriend who had broken her heart, and ruined her trust in all, including me(I suppose).....It didn't do any good................so here I am, heartbroken and confused....everything reminds me of her, red and orange cars, the F#$king radio playing romantic crap 24/7, TV always having at least 15 min of a man and woman in some cutesie romantic moment in every show on every station, my Friends rubbing it in my face(unknowingly) that they have been with someone they love for so long or are falling in love, concerts, magazines, pictures, the Internet, work, random thought, everything!......If I didn't live in such a dumb$hit town I might actually meet a girl that could end this pain, somehow distract me from this false hope that I built into my brain that in the end has ripped my mind apart.......what once raised my confidence has rendered me terrified that this will happen again possibly with all girls that I find appealing....the girl that I have spoken of still randomly talks to me, which even though is a nice surprise only seems to end up leaving me confused, frustrated and ultimately even more depressed every time. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, she still turns down every offer to hang out.....perhaps I F#%ked it up somehow, maybe she just never felt that way, I don't know...and I probly will never know, and that will always make me wonder why it never worked....what am I supposed to do?

More Thinking

so I was kinda pondering on my inability to achieve companionship with a nice girl, and I came to the conclusion that it may be that since I have been single for so long( and have become shy and insecure because of that)....when a girl does show interest in me I tend to focus to much on her to soon...apparently this sends the wrong "signals" and she flees in horror (so to speak)...So I guess being a nice guy isn't really the problem its the being too nice by treating a girl like a girlfriend before she is a girlfriend. I can see how that would bother a lot of girls, having a guy treat her like royalty after only knowing her for a short while...I dont intend for it to happen that way but thats how it happens to happen....So I need to find that spot between "the nice guy" class and "the friend zone" and hope it works out....but it still bugs me that girls like these dominant assholes, why try and tame a dickhead, when it takes you nowhere and ultimately breaks your heart, when you could be with a sweet guy and rough the edges a bit....I think it would feel better helpin a guy out rather than trying to keep some 'billy badass' from treating the waiter like crap....but anyway thats some more "on the drive home" thinking.....

Sad day....

So I was talking to a friend of mine last night, and I asked how she was doing...shortly there after I found out that her grandfather had passed away :( .....I didnt know what too say, I felt bad for her....she seemed to be having a terrible string of bad luck and this just sort of added to it.... I wanted to make her happy, anything I could do to cheer her up, to keep her from being sad.....but Im afraid this is one thing I can not be of much help in....people sort of have there own ways of dealing with death. It can make people terribly uncomfortable and act in ways unfavorable.....I think its best if I try not to tell jokes, offer a night out on the town, or even try to make light of the situation.....I hope she knows that I am here if she needs someone to talk too or whatever.....I wish the best for her and her family, and pray that her grandfather is in heaven, as an angel ready to change her luck.....

"It seems as though fate does not come without a sence of irony" - Morpheus

Age Regression

So last night me and a couple of my friends went to town again, like we usually do on the weekends, and we drove around trying to find something to do or look at and even though its one of the biggest cities around here it sucks, everything closes to early and cost to much.....so after a few hours of trying to figure out what to do and watching douche bags walk around with girls that ill probly never get, because this country is so f#$ked up, we drove home......but instead of callin it a night we did somethin i havent done since i was in junior high....i have this trampoline in my back yard, ive had it for like 10 years, and we decided to try it out to see if it would hold roughly 600 pounds of bad idea......it held up pretty good and it was more fun than trying to find somethin to do in a shitty town, so while we were playin "popcorn"(one guy curls up in a ball while the others try and bounce him high enough to "pop" (`em open), travis was the "kernal" we bounced him a few good times........then we spiked him to about eye level and when he came down again, 4 spings snapped, ripping them from the material, and leaving enough slack for his tailbown to slam into the ground......it was the funniest thing ive seen all month, so if you and your friends are bored i recomend playin popcorn on a trampoline......p.s. travis was ok, no broken tailbone

Been a while....nice guy rant

well, its been a while since my last post, so I figured i'd write one.....not much has been goin on lately, but I have been trying to figure out what the hell girls want....I mean i've been told by so many girls all the bad stuff that they hate about their boyfriends and I, being the kinda shy person wanting to jump in on the dating game, listend to this and have been trying to be as much the opposite thinking this is what girls want, a guy that they can say good things about.....but, apperently thats not what they want, that is their deffinition of a friend....ive played this game for so long, i meet a girl and we start talkin and I think things are goin good and she seems to like me, but at some point when she figures out that I actually like her, she tells me she doesnt feel that way and then she moves away.....ive read many different things about this and it just gets very confusing, and ive just decided......you have to be a dick to get noticed, you have to be rich and kinda gay looking for them to be attracted to you, and if she ever does end up liking/dating you, you must continue to be some ratio of dick to nice guy in order for it to last.....why cant a guy just be himself and tell a girl he likes her without her gettng all freaked out....(oh, your like a brother to me, i think we should just be friends.... ) i mean, give a nice guy a try, he may not be ripped, or the most popular, or the piece of $hit your used too.....but at least he'll respect you, treat you like a person, and show you a good time.....but I guess that is just how things are and thats how they are gonna stay. I hate cable tv

Cable Sucks

So i was watchin a little TV today and after watching a few shows and flippin through the channels I started to notice how bad Tv has become since I was little. all of the good cartoons have been canceled and replaced with dramatic teenage sitcoms with no originality. The more adult stations like comedy central, sci-fi, or real.....have so many commercials selling useless products and services, like weight-loss pills, and cheap plastic devices that will give you "lean toned hardened muscles in three weeks" , all of the pills they advertise, and most of all, since its now a law that you must have car insurance to drive, we have to see all the damn car insurance commercials(and i have no idea who their target audience is there, no teenager is gonna find those stupid "esurance" commercials to be cool). Its getting ridiculous. One of the much more irritating things i have noticed is the painful increase in volume when certain commercials air. Then i noticed its not just tv thats gotten bad either, the news advertises the "worst" news as the top stories. You don't usually see something good on the cover of a newspaper anymore, its usually a car accident or how much more gas prices are despite any change of anything, (personally i think somebody's milking this gas bull for all were worth). magazines talk about the latest celeb drug/sex gossip......what happened to the encouraging cartoons that disney use to make or the good news making the cover story, or when magazines use to talk about all the great movies that good actors where in......."my o my how the times have changed"....