Difficult Decisions

So in light of recent events Ive had to think about a lot of things. I may be over reacting or even be completely wrong about the whole thing, I do not want to rush to judgment or make assumptions because of whats at stake. So I used to be best friends with this person until I started finding out that he, as well as several other close friends, had essentially started to avoid me. I don't know why, it all started after he decided to join the national guard and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. ever since then he has made less of an attempt to contact me for anything, as well he doesn't make much of an effort to answer my calls or return them. To make things even more frustrating the group of friends we all hung out with also do not answer when I try to call. The confusing part is they are still friendly and appear to be interested in what I have to say, and give me somewhat helpful advice. The getting married without bothering to tell the guy who thought you were best friends with, as well as having a baby and telling me im not allowed to see it because the hospital wont allow it...is kinda sounding like bullshit the more I go over it...Looking back I dont really see it being so much worth it anymore. We had fun in high school and times have changed. If they want to keep disrespecting me, then they are going to lose a good trustworthy friend...Im making arangments to meet new people, until now I wasnt sure how, but I believe I've found a way....I will be happy

Is it too late?

I am afraid that its been to long since my last relationship. I don't know how to meet new people, not here, not anywhere. I don't have any friends that can help me. The only people that give suggestions are those who say f#%$ a prostitute... it'll make you feel better...I dont see how having sex with a disease infested woman who cant keep her legs closed is going to help me. I want a girl I can call mine, someone to hold....it doesnt matter what I try, nothing ever works...I feel like im getting closer to a girl and she always f$%^ing gets pulled away somehow....I see ugly people, fat people, mean people, really wierd people, really anoying people, dickheads, retards, and all my friends...they all have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and probably children...everyone keeps telling me shes out there somewhere, that ill find a girl someday, that gods saving the perfect girl for me, she'll come when I least expect it....ive waited for seven fucking years, im tired of waiting and looking at all these fucking people with their luvy duvy bullshit....fuck everything because I dont care anymore...Ive been good my entire fucking life and I dont get anything from it...Im not happy anymore, I hate everything, I dont know if ill ever find happiness anymore....everyday, everything I see, I just run it through my head how much it pisses me off, I cant see the good in life anymore and here winter comes to just shove the fucking knife in a little further, and with the holiday season topping it off with the worst holiday of the year valentines day.......I need to go to bed

So much to learn, feeling of no time to learn it....

So I have all of these books that I have attained over the last year or so, that I want to pull all of the information from and place so neatly into my head for future use. These books range on many topics covering things from flight training (near the top of my list) to magic tricks, psychology, and many other interesting things. I found that I don't have a lot of time to read them while I'm in a state of mind to efficiently absorb the information within the books. I notice if I try to read them at an "off time" my mind wanders and I find myself reading the same few sentences over and over without even remembering anything I just read. The only time that I seem to be really good at it is about 1 to 2 hours before I need to go to bed. After that time I start to get tired and again I keep reading, yet nothing sinks in....I blame television, for its numerous commercials with their sometimes awfully retarded display of they're marketing departments understanding of sales techniques. Each one designed to "amaze" and "strike awl" in us...Truly, it rather pisses me off more than give me that unsettling chill of really wanting anything that I've seen on television for a long time. I saw a commercial today of a stack of bills with fake eyes glued to the top selling car insurance. It made me want to cave my head in with the corner of the coffee table more than wanting to spend the unjust $900+ every 6 months for car insurance that our government was so nice to make a legal requirement for all car owners. If your going to make it a law that we must pay, probably to fix your f$#%-ups, at least put some kind of cap on it...Ive never had a wreck and its a used car. WTF? now that im off topic and getting a bit angry, I see its my bed time...

At work bloggin...

I am really tired today, for some reason. Just me and the boss today, everyone else took the day off. I've been trying to decide what sort of fireworks I'm gonna get this year. Every year seems to yield a bigger show and this year I'm bringing in some class B. That's right, I get to set off disney world quality fireworks this year. I only hope me bum friends will finaly show up this year. This stuff isn't cheap by any means and its very frustrating not having an audience for my performance. Its gonna be beautiful this year, and with class B display shells you won't just see the stars, you'll feel the kick from the whistling salute finally cake! I love fireworks. :]  

-Jake-

Imagination

What is an imaginary place? I find it is sometimes difficult to explain the tremendous amount of information that collects in my mind. I can be sitting on a green stool at work in the middle of the afternoon, in a yellow room, when not a word has been said for no less than an hour and suddenly start to laugh at something I'm thinking about. I sit and in my boredom and distaste of my inability to talk to my co-worker/friend without finding myself with more responsibilities or duties, complements of "Friends" who have decided to fend for themselves (to cover their own ass I suppose). So I imagine things in response to keep my mind occupied. I recently have been visiting this place, a few times so far, each time getting more and more detailed and more easily perceived. This place is always dark at first. I am sitting on something like a park bench or a comfy camping chair(I haven't decided) but it is wide enough for two people, me and a girl. This girl is no one specific, which is hard to imagine, I don't have a girl friend or even a close friend that is a girl really, so I am trying to Keep the details of her face soft and unfocused to prevent any sort of an attachment...as I sit here with my arm around her, we are on the top of a building, about 4 or 5 stories high, higher than all the rest. I look out and up and feel a slight breeze, and see the moon, and the stars are everywhere. Each time I come to this place the billions of stars get brighter as well as the moon, but you never see anything around except the edges of the rooftop, to my right is my girl and I am sitting in my comfy chair with her. I haven't a care in the world in this place. its just me and her... Sadly, I have never been in love. I like to imagine what it is like, but of coarse I have no idea or any basis. but who does, few people have experienced true love. someday, some girl will give me a chance...I just hope I haven't waited to long...

-Jake-

Tuesday

Well today wasn't to bad, got most of me work done, get part of tomorrow off, and I'm currently listening to a nice kind of easy listening 'blogging song' as it were... The song is Black Wave by The Shins...I decided to give this Last.fm thing a try and so far its pretty cool. Basically what you do is type in an artist name (someone you like) and this place comes up with a selection of songs that sound simalar to songs that band sings..kinda like a "you like that?.?. well try this!!" sort of deal, only thing is you have to pay for certain parts of it, not sure which yet. Its only like $3.00 a month but im a bit cheap with online transactions...Moving on...I stoped to grab something to eat yesturday and a good friend was there workin. She is a pretty cute girl, not but a couple years younger than me, and has a unique and interesting personallity. I have come across the idea of askin her to hang out with me sometime, I can think of a few things to do. The thing is ive been a bit out of thouch with my charming side for quite some time. If you have read some of me previous post you may have noticed how frustrated I have been...I just dont want to screw it up again. I sure as hell am not going to ask anyone out over a network based connection again, that seems to be a really bad idea...Anyway luck be with me....

Go old times

Today I got to spend time with my friends like we used to in high school. Me, Travis, Greg, Renae, and Kailee all drove to Evansville to eat and look around. Of coarse being a Sunday there's not much to do, but we still had an interesting evening. Ate at Olive Garden, discussed relationship stuff (like always)...it would really be nice to have someone for me to share stuff like this with. I supose being single has its advantages, but one can only stand to be alone for so long before one gets too used to being by ones self...On an off note, I recently finished my very long over due project of building a spedometer for my VW Bettle. I built it using an arduino, lcd, and a reed switch assembly for a bicycle. It worked rather well for a sort of weekend project, it is accurate to about 4 miles an hour. In order to increse the accuracy I will have to add more magnets and change the math equation a bit, but I have to work once again so it may be awhile before testing again...I do plan on posting the project as well as some sample code in the future, once everything is fine tuned....

Pretty decent couple of days

In light of the new book I've been reading, Tricks of the mind, I decided to try a few of the technics presented in the book by one of my favorate entertainers Derren Brown. He shows you how to greatly improve your memory, change the way you look at things, and give you an idea of what it means to be confident and such. He also has many other stories and very intersting reading to enjoy. So far the things I've tried have worked fairly well for me. I haven't had the time to really focus on the "technics", but in time I will see their potential.  

Some at work blogging...
-Jake-

Good day

Today was a good day. It was warm enough. I ate outside in the sun. I drove the bug, people looked at me and smiled. I talked to my friend travis. Haley was at work today she was happy and smiley. Boss still bein craby, I heard a joke about a hand held banana and a blue and brown bowl...

Friday The Thirteenth...

One of the most superstitious of days out of the year. So apparently "Friday the 13th" is the rare day that everything goes wrong or bad things happen. I didn't have much of a bad day really, although I did notice a few things that were a bit odd. Like on my way to work I counted about 15 dead animals spread out like "pancakes" all over the highway. birds, squires, chipmunks, groundhogs, a deer....monkey, giraffe, and a homeless man...OK not the last few but a wide variety of critters spread out over about a 12 mile stretch, pretty creepy. other than that it was a pretty nice day, not many clouds, warming up outside, and not very many ignorant or irrational customers came into the shop. as for my last post I have "recovered" so to speak, a very good friend and I had a talk and I felt better after that....I guess everyone has s#itty spells every once in a while, when life starts getting stressful and overwhelming, you just need to talk to someone to get it out there and off your metaphorical chest, and encourage you to Think good things....It is quite difficult to talk to people when I feel that way, I feel much better when I do speak my mind though.(respectfully of course) :]

Cabin Fever?

So its been getting pretty crappy for me over the last few days, my friends won't hang out with me anymore nor make any sort of attempt to contact me. I sit at my job starring at my computer screen thinking about how I could somehow meet a decent girl in this $#itty town, everyday I see couples and hear this depressing bull on the radio, all love songs and relationship stuff, tv always has couples on every channel, the internet has ads about it, my computer has popups every time I boot it with at least 1 picture and 1 story about some relationship, I'm really getting f#cking tired of it. My job pisses me off at some point everyday, being single and alone for the last 6 years is making me sick I've never kissed a girl in my life and I'm 19! last time I had a girlfriend I was in the 7th grade. I hate stupid drivers, the weather, and never having time to do anything. I am financially stable, in good health, and in good living conditions, but I have no one to love or hug or share anything with. I feel isolated, alone, and cheated. I have been nice to everyone my whole life and have little to nothing to show for it. What am I supposed to do? if I dont find Someone soon, I think im gonna have a nervous breakdown...human beings must have some form of deep or trustworthy interaction with others, I have trouble trusting people anymore, its starting to really bug me when I see couples......I dont know........

Here I am again

Been a while since me last post thought id write one, since I cant seem to will myself to sleep...So after a couple months of miserably cold weather it finally decided to snow and leave some on the ground. I kinda noticed the difference between kids and adults is the willingness to stand to be in very cold weather, with numb hands and feet, to "play" in this stuff. I remember praying for it to snow (mostly so I wouldn't have to go to school) when I was younger and playing in it all afternoon, but I dont seem to want to do that so much anymore. With the stress of work and life and so on I just feel too tired....however just after it got dark I was a bit thirsty, and decided to head down to the garage to get me a beverage, I got me comfy jacket, gloves, and some shoes on and headed outside. On the way back from me garage I remembered a part of why I used to love snow...I stood there on the dark side of the garage looking across the wide open field out over the lake, lit up by the moon, and it wasn't but a little bit windy. I can see all of this snow falling,in contrast to darkness, and no matter how hard its falling its always really quite. like everything is moving but I have stopped, everything is coated in a white blanket and it feels like im in some other world, like nothing really matters, like the world is standing still in some way, for me to just look around for a few minutes...I guess that's what it feels like to be a kid. When life just stands still for a few minutes and gives you time to look at the things you see everyday but don't think much about till now.