Good day

Today was a good day. It was warm enough. I ate outside in the sun. I drove the bug, people looked at me and smiled. I talked to my friend travis. Haley was at work today she was happy and smiley. Boss still bein craby, I heard a joke about a hand held banana and a blue and brown bowl...

Friday The Thirteenth...

One of the most superstitious of days out of the year. So apparently "Friday the 13th" is the rare day that everything goes wrong or bad things happen. I didn't have much of a bad day really, although I did notice a few things that were a bit odd. Like on my way to work I counted about 15 dead animals spread out like "pancakes" all over the highway. birds, squires, chipmunks, groundhogs, a deer....monkey, giraffe, and a homeless man...OK not the last few but a wide variety of critters spread out over about a 12 mile stretch, pretty creepy. other than that it was a pretty nice day, not many clouds, warming up outside, and not very many ignorant or irrational customers came into the shop. as for my last post I have "recovered" so to speak, a very good friend and I had a talk and I felt better after that....I guess everyone has s#itty spells every once in a while, when life starts getting stressful and overwhelming, you just need to talk to someone to get it out there and off your metaphorical chest, and encourage you to Think good things....It is quite difficult to talk to people when I feel that way, I feel much better when I do speak my mind though.(respectfully of course) :]

Cabin Fever?

So its been getting pretty crappy for me over the last few days, my friends won't hang out with me anymore nor make any sort of attempt to contact me. I sit at my job starring at my computer screen thinking about how I could somehow meet a decent girl in this $#itty town, everyday I see couples and hear this depressing bull on the radio, all love songs and relationship stuff, tv always has couples on every channel, the internet has ads about it, my computer has popups every time I boot it with at least 1 picture and 1 story about some relationship, I'm really getting f#cking tired of it. My job pisses me off at some point everyday, being single and alone for the last 6 years is making me sick I've never kissed a girl in my life and I'm 19! last time I had a girlfriend I was in the 7th grade. I hate stupid drivers, the weather, and never having time to do anything. I am financially stable, in good health, and in good living conditions, but I have no one to love or hug or share anything with. I feel isolated, alone, and cheated. I have been nice to everyone my whole life and have little to nothing to show for it. What am I supposed to do? if I dont find Someone soon, I think im gonna have a nervous breakdown...human beings must have some form of deep or trustworthy interaction with others, I have trouble trusting people anymore, its starting to really bug me when I see couples......I dont know........

Here I am again

Been a while since me last post thought id write one, since I cant seem to will myself to sleep...So after a couple months of miserably cold weather it finally decided to snow and leave some on the ground. I kinda noticed the difference between kids and adults is the willingness to stand to be in very cold weather, with numb hands and feet, to "play" in this stuff. I remember praying for it to snow (mostly so I wouldn't have to go to school) when I was younger and playing in it all afternoon, but I dont seem to want to do that so much anymore. With the stress of work and life and so on I just feel too tired....however just after it got dark I was a bit thirsty, and decided to head down to the garage to get me a beverage, I got me comfy jacket, gloves, and some shoes on and headed outside. On the way back from me garage I remembered a part of why I used to love snow...I stood there on the dark side of the garage looking across the wide open field out over the lake, lit up by the moon, and it wasn't but a little bit windy. I can see all of this snow falling,in contrast to darkness, and no matter how hard its falling its always really quite. like everything is moving but I have stopped, everything is coated in a white blanket and it feels like im in some other world, like nothing really matters, like the world is standing still in some way, for me to just look around for a few minutes...I guess that's what it feels like to be a kid. When life just stands still for a few minutes and gives you time to look at the things you see everyday but don't think much about till now.

What clothes can do for you!?!?

so I'm feeling much better today, I decided to wear my dress clothes to work today, I figured it would do me a favor along the lines of my confidence....and it certainly helped....not as much as I had hoped but it did help. One thing I noticed is how many people actually know me, and consider me a friend. I usually don't dress real nice, just some cargo pants and a comfy shirt...but when I got all spiffied up in me dress clothes everyone had a much more desirable reaction to my being there. When I went to lunch today, I went to the grocery store first(were I used to work) and I saw my friend Travis...when he finally realised who I was, he acted like seeing me all fancied up made his day, he wanted to go to lunch with me, said I was really cheerin him up(I don't think hes gay), a few of the other people I worked with also said I looked pretty good....After I left there I headed to subway to get a sandwich and a couple cookies...and even the workers there commented on me being all dressed up....I don't really know any of them, I just eat there every once in a while, but they still noticed....while at work I made a $340 sale with little effort, something that is very difficult to do at this particular job, but the customer did seem to trust me more than they did when I was in my regular "work t-shirt" uniform....I wore the clothes I wore today knowing that all the other times I had worn them, I was in a high confidence state, I went to Indianapolis, IN and Manhattan, New York for being in the top 5 out of many who took various computer related tests...I was treated like the president of a big company while I was on those trips. I stayed in a very nice hotel went to the top of the tallest building in New York, met some cool people who treated me with respect....it was a good feeling that I had anchored to those clothes....I wonder what else I can anchor that feeling too?

BLUE REFLECTORS?

I finally found the pattern, cracked the code....so to speak.....too all of you who have always wondered what the blue reflectors in the middle of the highway mean.....its not a curve or or a turnoff marker or a sign marker, or some way of letting the guy who set them know that he ran out of yellow ones.......it is an easy way for a firetruck driver to find a "Fire Hydrant"......the blue markers mark the aprox. location of a fire hydrant, usually on either side of the road within about 15 feet of that spot.....took me a few days to figure all that out....so know that your minds are at ease you can sit back and watch your friends rack their brains over it...just before you tell them....if you wish to tell them that is.....

Girls are so mean

Why must this girl stay so deep in my mind.... I made the mistake of assuming a girl would like me just because I put so much of my focus towards her...worked so hard to change the way things had always been with me, I have set my mind up in such a way that if she had decided to be with me or hang out with me even once I could have swept her off her feet.... I was always timid and shy and afraid to speak to girls for fear of rejection among other things, but this girl I have always liked, and in some odd way we ended up talking to each other over the Internet, after having not seen each other in almost five months....we talked about many various things, and interestingly she had so much in common with me that I was very interested in her...I felt that she was the one, the reason I had been single for so long and ended up talking to this girl again.... she had finally broke up with her questionable boyfriend...I felt things were falling into place, that it was meant to be....I had so much confidence all of a sudden, I had many different but good feelings...nothing botherd me...I loved life..............but...........once I finally asked her out.........everything changed, and quick......she canceled the date we were supposed to go on just a few hours before......I went to the fair were she went instead and she seemingly ignored me as I tried to talk to her.....she didn't talk to me very much anymore if at all.....I had made her a birthday present just for her, picked out the perfect card and wrapped it the best I could....but had no way of giving it to her....she would not let me arrange any easy way of giving it to her, I didn't know where she lived, her phone number, or when she worked.....I did what I could to let her know that she could trust me, unlike her shithead boyfriend who had broken her heart, and ruined her trust in all, including me(I suppose).....It didn't do any good................so here I am, heartbroken and confused....everything reminds me of her, red and orange cars, the F#$king radio playing romantic crap 24/7, TV always having at least 15 min of a man and woman in some cutesie romantic moment in every show on every station, my Friends rubbing it in my face(unknowingly) that they have been with someone they love for so long or are falling in love, concerts, magazines, pictures, the Internet, work, random thought, everything!......If I didn't live in such a dumb$hit town I might actually meet a girl that could end this pain, somehow distract me from this false hope that I built into my brain that in the end has ripped my mind apart.......what once raised my confidence has rendered me terrified that this will happen again possibly with all girls that I find appealing....the girl that I have spoken of still randomly talks to me, which even though is a nice surprise only seems to end up leaving me confused, frustrated and ultimately even more depressed every time. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, she still turns down every offer to hang out.....perhaps I F#%ked it up somehow, maybe she just never felt that way, I don't know...and I probly will never know, and that will always make me wonder why it never worked....what am I supposed to do?